It’s been a couple days since Independence Day (Suck on that you limey British bastards! Take your ‘lifts’, and your extra U’s, and your taxation without representation and shove them directly up your bell-ends!) which gives us all a little bit of time to reflect on what it is to be truly American. And while others were enjoying fireworks and eating meat, I was studying my peers. Sleuthing about. Trying to find out which things and stuff and items were most American, and why.
I found out some interesting shit. Like how ‘shit’ is more American than ‘cock’ but not as American as ‘fuck.’
Remember how I said I was trying to find out why things were more American than others? That was a lie. Lies are American.
Bicycles are not American.
Natural Light is the most American beer. Busch Light is second. Surprisingly, Tecate is more American than Blue Moon even though it’s Mexican.
So is Corona.
So are burritos.
Okay, Mexican things are pretty American sometimes.
Saying “America! Fuck yeah!” 50 times is less American than saying “America! Fuck yeah!” 100 times but saying “America! Fuck yeah!” at all is annoying.
Being annoying is very American.
Big dogs are American. But not as American as Big Dogs T-shirts.
From most American to least American it goes: 1) Boats on lakes 2) Boats on rivers 3) Boats on the ocean.
Speaking of water, swimming pools are way more American than beaches. But still not as American as lakes. Unless they are above-ground pools.
Going shirtless is a tiny bit more American than wearing a wife beater. Being shirtless with a wife-beater farmer’s burn trumps them all though.
Unprotected sex is more American than fake boobs. Barely.
Las Vegas isn’t that American on the 4th of July but is very American on every other day, especially family holidays like Christmas and Thanksgiving.
The only two types of real American music are A) Country and B) Bob Seger songs.
It’s very American to talk about how awesome America is one day and then talk about how America’s legal system is bullshit the next. Add some comments about how some lady you’ve never met should die and burn in hell and you’re VERY American.
Smoking isn’t very American anymore. Smoking pole isn’t either.
Loving fireworks is very American.
Talking about how you hate fireworks because they scare your dog is also very American.
Bikini rankings (in terms of Americanness):
5th) Keystone Light bikini
4th) Those really slutty one-piece things that girls wear to Las Vegas
3rd) Don’t Tread On Me bikini (I don’t think these exist but it would be awesome/American if they did.)
2nd) American flag bikini (extra points if they are the 13-star Betsy Ross style)
1st) Confederate flag bikini
It’s very American to be openly discriminatory.
Tattoos are extremely American. Especially of an eagle holding a snake or something equally awful.
Hamburgers > Hot Dogs > Ribs > Bratwursts > Chicken
Even though Bratwursts aren’t American, they’re still more American than eating fairy-ass chicken on the 4th of July.
God is super-American.
Well no, he’s not really American at all but liking him a lot is.
(As long as he’s the Christian God that is.)
Shotgunning beer is less American than beer-bonging beer but by Gawd both of ‘em’s pretty damn ‘merican.
Obesity is not American anymore.
Another lie! (I’m so American aren’t I!) Obesity is still super-American.
Making a list about how American things are isn’t as American as I’d like it to be.
But that’s cool because at least I don’t spell color with a U.
Wankers.
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