For reasons unbeknownst to me, I receive an issue of Men’s Fitness every month. I don’t recall ever subscribing to it, and think that I might’ve been roped into receiving its 100-plus pages of advertisements for supplements, erection enhancement formulas, and weight-loss potions disguised as a fitness magazine as a part of a free offer via a subscription to a slightly less worthless publication.
Although there are some decent workout routines and recipes amongst the ad overload, my favorite part of the magazine is actually the unintentional comedy found in the various forms of rehashed dating and relationship tips that grace its pages. This month’s issue had a particularly amusing link to some online bonus content – a batch of tips on the never-ending mystery of “How To Pick Up Girls At The Gym.”
What follows is a closer look at those “date-scoring” tips.
Rule #1: Never interrupt a girl’s workout to introduce yourself.
It’s always great to begin a list by making the first thing on it something that basically negates the premise of said list.
How To Make Toast While Taking A Bath
Rule #1: Never Use A Toaster In The Bathtub
/endlist
In my experience, people go to the gym to work out. Once they’re done working out, they leave.
Am I going to the wrong gym?
“…girls are often self-conscious about how they look while they’re working out.”
Also: girls are often self-conscious about how they look while they’re doing just about anything.
“They don’t want to be interrupted mid-run (sweating profusely, breathing heavily)…”
There goes your “press-STOP-on-the-treadmill-and-ask-her-out-as-she-tumbles-off-the-back-of-it” technique, fellas.
“…mid-lunge (positioned awkwardly)…”
And the “headfirst-slide-between-her-legs-to-hand-deliver-a-note-written-in-crayon-that-says ‘WANNA HUMP?” Obsolete.
“…or mid-lift (facially contorted) to respond to you.”
And never again will you ask out a girl while she’s at the bottom of a squat. That tried and true technique is done for. Sorry, guys.
Instead, try chasing her down in the parking lot. Interrupt her conversation with a friend. Follow her into the women’s bathroom. You know, stuff that’s far less awkward, invasive, and downright creepy.
Rule #2: Don’t wear tight clothes that show your package.
Burn those wrestling singlets! Torch your banana hammocks!
Conversely, don’t wear short shorts.
And shred your collection of Suzi Fox running shorts!
Girls don’t want to get to know your package before they get to know you.
But we’ve all been taught to introduce ourselves to girls by saying “Hi, my name is so-and-so. This is my penis, and beneath it…my balls. Let’s have sex.”
“…short shorts elicit the same reaction [creepiness]. Plus, there’s fear of wardrobe malfunction on sitting down for bicep work.”
The old story that your uncle told you about charming the pants off of your aunt at a 24-Hour Fitness by doing a set of seated curls, with his legs splayed, in running shorts, with his gnarled balls gently drooped on a cold vinyl bench while she used the StairMaster in front of him, is apparently a lie.
Rule #3: Keep the grunt level to a minimum.
First they tell you put away your twig and berries, and now they tell you not to grunt? But how will you be noticed? What else do you have to offer?
“Besides, girls scare easily and they aren’t looking for a preview of what happens in the bedroom…”
So doing deadlifts for thirty seconds, contorting your face until it looks like Sloth from Goonies, and falling asleep with your pants around your ankles is probably not a good idea either?
“…especially when it’s dramatically noisy.”
Meep.
Rule #4: Do not take Zumba classes.
Save your shitty dancing for the clubs, men!
Rule #5: Make sure you smell clean.
Sharting your shorts while doing squats is a deal-breaker. Good to know.
Girls like guys who smell good.
This is earth-shattering news.
A life rule as well as a gym rule; smell clean.
Smell clean and also good. Always. Shower or something. Got it.
If it weren’t for lists like these I’m sure we’d all be running around naked, stinky, and grunting through Zumba classes.
Thanks, Men’s Fitness.
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Welp, there goes my bread and butter.
Ahh, that’s why she never went out with me! Thanks Riley!
(still laughing =))
that last line had me laughing out loud. good work
I should know better than to read your articles at work. Could not contain the laughter after rule #5. PS – is it possible to smell good at the gym? Should it be possible? Who even cares? I would be weirded out if a guy didn’t smell bad.
very funny as usual Riley,thanks for making me laugh at work!
i’m gym/dieting to go from 10st6 to 9st6. ive become more slender, bt my tummy appears more potbellied?