The League Of Extraordinarily Safe Gentlemen, by Hank Layton

Dig out the helmet-shaped gelatin trays, ya’ll. Football is back.

Following an offseason with more manufactured drama than a Monday night on Bravo, training camps opened, fantasy drafts commenced, and Adam Schefter stayed awake for forty-seven straight days. (And counting.) The NFL is back in business, and once again all is right with the world.

Sort of.

A season after supplementing its rule book with the controversial “Pussification” chapter, which detailed how hits on defenseless players would result in massive fines and suspensions, the league added an update this year: All kickoffs will henceforth be moved from the 30-yard line to the 35. Elias Sports Bureau estimates that 30-40 percent of all kickoffs this season will result in touchbacks – roughly double that of last season. The league assumes the fewer kick returns, the fewer injuries.

Initially, I was angry with this rule change. Not only does this mean games should be lower-scoring (attention gamblers), but the league seems to be weakening its product by negatively altering one of its most elementary and entertaining features. The other night I grew so angry I scoured the NFL rulebook in hopes of finding some sort of sense to make of this illogical change.

My findings were scandalous, to say the least.

Not only was the rule air tight (fucking lawyers, bro), it turns out there are a number of other safety-minded statutes in place for this season, many of which could be considered excessive.

For example, the foam pylons in the corners of each end zone will be replaced with marshmallow ones. Players (well, linemen) have been warned not to eat them, however, for the orange paint is extremely toxic.

Speaking of linemen, the league has implemented a weight limit for every position. Weigh-ins will take place the night before each game, and failure to make weight will result in a suspension. Most of the restrictions are reasonable, but all centers, guards, tackles and defensive linemen can weigh no more than 215 pounds. The league’s goal is to reduce obesity-related health issues down the road, but 215 pounds for a lineman seems light – especially when kickers are allowed to weigh up to 360 pounds.

Many are already calling this one the “Sebastian Janikowski rule.”

Quarterbacks are on the favorable end of the next controversial rule change: invisible force fields. From now on, whenever a team’s first-string QB says the word “hike,” an imperceptible and impenetrable cylinder will form out of the ground and surround him. Many critics of the rule claim the force fields for quarterbacks like Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are thicker and clearer than the force fields of other QBs around the league, but Commissioner Roger Goodell has been mum on the issue.

NFL referees will also have their own invisible force fields.

Other notable rule changes include the addition of a medical helicopter at midfield of every stadium, the implementation of two-hand touch in the second and fourth quarters of the Super Bowl, and the removal of all Gatorade coolers. (Coaches might get pneumonia, you know.)

These rules are going to take some getting used to, but we mustn’t lose sight of the big picture. It doesn’t matter that the majority of kickoffs will result in touchbacks or that James Harrison has to wear a blindfold every other play or that Pro Bowls will now be CGI (and 3-D!). The important thing is the players are safe.

None of these rule changes have anything to do with the league executing the first stage in a plan to ultimately coax the players into agreeing to add two weeks to the season. None of this is about money whatsoever. That’s silliness. It’s about player safety. For all the countless hours of entertainment they provide us and the hundreds of dollars they make for NFL owners, these young men deserve to remember their middle name when they’re seventy years old.

If that means a bunch of touchbacks and a couple invisible force fields, so be it. Because even more important than player safety is the fact that football is back. After the most tumultuous offseason in the history of sports, the NFL has returned. The world is as it was.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to Las Vegas to bet the under on every game this season.

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Hike the ball to Hank here…

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