The purpose of this piece isn’t to expose how stupid I am, but that’s probably what’s going to happen.
Do you know the top five most dangerous cities in the world?
Me neither.
But that’s not going to stop me from guessing.
Here’s how it will go:
1. Matt thinks of a compelling, thought-and-comment-provoking top five list.
2. Matt fills out his list based on the inner workings of his feeble brain.
3. Matt looks up the real answers.
4. Matt is tempted to change his answers because he forgot, “like the easiest fucking thing,”
but doesn’t because he’s a sucker.
5. Matt posts his findings on FlipCollective.com.
6. Matt is exposed as a stupid person.
Yeah that sounds good. Let’s do that.
Matt’s Heaviest Land Animals
1. Elephant
2. Hippopotamus
3. Rhinoceros
4. Moose
5. Grizzly Bear
Heaviest Land Animals (link)
1. Elephant
2. Hippopotamus
3. Rhinoceros
4. Gaur
5. Giraffe
Matt starts off strong. Turns out I’m a little bit of a land animal size expert, although, I still don’t know what a gaur is. I’m guessing it’s one of those animals from Dr. Seuss books? Close relative of the Lorax? I didn’t realize we were counting those.
Matt’s Poorest Countries
1. Sudan
2. Central African Republic
3. Haiti
4. Somalia
5. Uganda
Poorest Countries (link)
1. Niger
2. Ethiopia
3. Mali
4. Burkina Faso
5. Burundi
Ah, poor people. Let’s make light of their poverty on this fancy computer of mine, shall we?
I didn’t do so well on poor countries. I figured there would be ONE outside of Africa but I was wrong as drought. (Get it? The opposite of “right as rain.” And because they don’t get a lot of rain there…) To be fair, these United Nations rankings take into account three factors: length of life, knowledge, and standard of living for their rankings while I only took into account one: how poor the countries seem in movies.
Matt’s Best-Selling Beers Worldwide
1. Bud Light
2. Miller Light
3. Budweiser
4. Stella Artois
5. Coors Light
Best-Selling Beers Worldwide (link)
1. Snow (Chinese)
2. Bud Light
3. Budweiser
4. Skol (Brazil)
5. Corona
To be fair, this one is pretty easy. But I didn’t realize the Chinese were allowed to drink beer. What kind of communist nation are they running over there?
Matt’s Popular Baby Girl’s Names in 2011
1. Lauren
2. Kelsey
3. Ashley
4. Emma
5. Madison
Most Popular Baby Girl’s Names in 2011 (link)
1. Emma
2. Sophia
3. Olivia
4. Isabella
5. Ava
Names ending in “ee” sounds are apparently no longer en vogue. This is going to devastate the slut population.
The second most popular boy’s name is Liam. Fucking white people.
Matt’s Most Dangerous Cities in the World
1. Bogota, Colombia
2. Johannesburg, South Africa
3. Nairobi, Kenya
4. Mexico City, Mexico
5. Phnom Penh, Cambodia
Most Dangerous Cities in the World (link)
1. Cape Town, South Africa
2. Guatemala City, Guatemala
3. Bogota, Colombia
4. Grozny, Chechnya, Russia
5. Detroit, Michigan
Now that I think about it, seems kind of odd that Baghdad or some city in Afghanistan isn’t considered dangerous. I mean I’m sure Detroit is bad and all but I don’t think you have to worry too much about IEDs.
On second thought, maybe you do.
Matt’s Longest Running TV Series
1. Cops
2. M*A*S*H
3. America’s Funniest Home Videos
4. The Tonight Show
5. American Bandstand
Longest Running TV Series (link)
1. Candid Camera
2. The Tonight Show
3. As the World Turns
4. General Hospital
5. Days of our Lives
Boy, was I way off! And even wayer off if you consider that the true list is plugged to the gills with news shows and sporting events. I didn’t count these because, well, they are boring.
It’s hard to believe that people have put up with these soap operas for over 50 years. And could you imagine 50 years of Friends? Joey would have banged everyone in New York City…twice .
The conclusion we can draw from this list is simple: People who stay at home and watch TV during the day are extremely smart, not prone to addiction, and the opposite of gullible.
Matt’s Dumbest States in America (Adults)
1. Alabama
2. Mississippi
3. Louisiana
4. Florida
5. Arkansas
Dumbest States in America (Adults) (link)
1. West Virginia
2. Arkansas
3. Louisiana
4. Kentucky
5. Mississippi
Sorry Alabama. Turns out you were actually ninth. Way to go!
How could I forget The WV? It’s my least favorite state. According to the source above, only 25% of adults in West Virginia have college degrees. Holy shit! I know college degrees don’t necessarily translate to intelligence, blah blah blah, exception to rule, blah blah, but guess what? Most of the time smart people get college degrees. Stupid people do not.
Matt’s Countries That Have the Most Sex
1. Germany
2. England
3. Italy
4. Sweden
5. Greece
Countries That Have the Most Sex (link)
1. Greece
2. Brazil
3. Russia
4. China
5. Poland
The source bases these results on a survey received from 26,000 respondents across the globe. Since African people don’t typically have mailboxes, I think we can assume that they aren’t going to be represented in the results. But it’s the best I could do.
According to the results, 87% of Greeks report having sex on a weekly basis. Seems like if this were true they wouldn’t look so pissed off all the time.
Americans rank 19th, with only 53% of the population slamming it out weekly. Keeping in mind the number of fatties and nerds I know, this seems about right. And as a whole we’d much rather complain about taxes, update Twitter statuses, and waste our time reading articles about the top five heaviest land animals than have physical contact with another human being.
Ew!
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Good stuff. There, I broke the long comment drought. Let it rain.
I saw seven human beings today who each weighed more than a fucking giraffe.
Awesome… I need more articles like this in my life…