Maybe Bachmann’s right. Maybe God is sending us signals on the daily and I have been retarding my development by constantly ignoring his stealthy suggestions. I was watching hurricane Irene coverage on the Weather Channel, as a Detroiter I revel in regional-disaster since it makes my region’s disasters seem sufferable by comparison, while watching the coverage I found out that the check I wrote to my drug-dealer had bounced. So yeah, Bachmann’s right; Irene and debt are related, interconnected by the hands of the honkey in the sky, the Gee Ohh Double D, Godd bitches.
So I embarked on an investigative sojourn through my recent history to find additional examples of God’s hidden messages.
I found out that …
God gave us Black-Muslims to assist us in identifying people with criminal records.
God gave us Michael Vick’s second $100 million dollar contract to remind us that humans are substantially more important than dogs. Did you think God was a Buddhist – nah bitches, God is Christian and everything ain’t equal. So you can start worshipping multi-armed gods, become vegan, and learn the real meaning of Nirvana or blare In Utero while you genuflect to thank God that you’re the superior being.
God gave us Hurricane Katrina to show us that politicians hate the poor.
God gave us George Bush to remind us that politicians still say the word ‘nigger’ behind closed doors.
God gave us Lady Gaga’s male alter ego on the VMAs, Jo Calderone; to show us how easy it is going to be to dress up as Bruno Mars for Halloween.
God gave us Lady Gaga’s male alter ego, Jo Calderone, to remind us that Lady Gaga is actually the female alter-ego of Jo Calderone.
God gave me that last sentence so I could pay homage to Charlie Kaufman by getting all meta up in this muthafucka.
God gave us Kreayshawn to show us just how low the barrier to entry is in the music biz. Anyone can get a record deal if Kreayshawn, the anorexic, nasally-voiced, tiny white-bitch can – hey, don’t get all up in arms over me calling her white, it’s an adjective not an agitator, so if you don’t appreciate descriptive analysis then go read Hemingway you horse-faced rat; in this instance ‘horse-faced rat’ is both and adjective and insult.
God gave me friends who throw Diaper Parties to remind me that I have poor friends who are hell-bent on conning me into paying for their stupidity.
God gave me friends who throw Diaper Parties to remind me that misery doesn’t love company, but that misery creates company. I didn’t have that fuckin kid, so why should I go to the store, awkwardly search for diapers, while feeling as pedophilic as the Pope, and then drop them off at your house where I can drink shit beer, eat finger sandwiches prepared by your now chubby wife, and pretend that your life has been improved with a child, even though everyone in the room knows that you and your wife will fail this child so monumentally that he will grow up to become a Black Muslim.
God sent Keith Olbermann to Current TV to remind us never to fuck with Bill O’Reilly.
God gave us Rise of the Planet of the Apes to remind us how bad of an actor James Franco is and to implore us to tone down his mythologization.
God gave us Magic Johnson to prove that racism still exists. The government gave Magic AIDS to remind Black-America of the power they wield. But then, when Magic’s black-movie-theatres manifested into a full-fledged success they took the AIDS away. Magic’s movie theatres pumping Tyler Perry pictures through the community is doing as much damage to Black-America as the Tuskegee Airmen experiment did. With Tyler Perry’s black on black crime, his movies, propagating racist stereotypes this country will be hard-pressed to elect its third Black President.
God gave us Bachmann, Perry, and Palin to implore to us abandon our need to fetishize stupidity. In ’08 Palin was my favorite TV show and now she has spin-offs. God didn’t just give us Bachmann, according to Bachmann herself, God spoke to her; petitioned her to restore this country’s deteriorating moral compass. She now brandishes a sword of secular (Christian) humanism vigorous enough to give the Pope his first non-pedophilic erection. Bachmann married a gay man in her unbounded effort to cure America’s malignant faggotry. God sent Bachmann to a law school based on Christian-tax legislation to levy unto her a baseline knowledge of biblical financial policy so thorough that Palin can’t even pretend to pretend to have. God filled her with so many lies and hallucinations that she can no longer differentiate between political posturing, honest discourse, psychotic religiosity, or God actually revealing doctrine and prophecy through her. Bachmann hates Muslims and their unreasoned Islamic religious rigidity with such revulsion that only through unreasoned Christian religious rigidity will we rid them from God’s country. God didn’t give us Bachmann’s malapropisms and delusions to remind us of her insanity but to highlight our own failings. Bachmann is a legitimate presidential candidate and that speaks more about society major’s retardation and deficiencies than it does of Bachmann’s.
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