So, what do you do for fun?
Oh, not much. I read a lot. I write. I like a lot of different kinds of music. I love Howard Stern. I’ve been listening to him for 25 years.
(Rolling eyes) Great. We just met and now you’ve had to go ruin everything for me.
Ruin what?
Us. You. Me. Our friendship.
Wait. Why? How?
I hate Howard Stern.
Really?
He’s a pig. He’s vile.
I guess that’s part of it, but …
No. That’s all of it. He degrades women. That’s all I need to know.
Ah. I see.
You see what?
You’ve never listened to him, have you?
I don’t need to.
How can you say you hate somebody you’ve never listened to? Shouldn’t you at least listen to him a little bit before formulating such a strong opinion … or any opinion, for that matter?
Believe me, I’ve listened enough.
Oh yeah? How much?
Enough to know that it’s sophomoric humor and all he talks about are farts and porn stars and lesbians. He’s a disgusting loudmouth. He’s horrible. I can’t believe you don’t see that.
Do you want to know why I like Howard Stern? Do you care?
Not at all.
Well, I’ll tell you anyway.
(Rolling eyes again) If you really need to …
Yes, I must. Howard Stern is the only honest broadcaster in the United States, maybe in the world. He’s smart. He’s funny. Yes, he has porn stars on and lesbians and people who can make themselves fart, but when he does have those people on, he’s legitimately interested in what they do and why they are who they are. Plus they’re funny.
They’re stupid.
Why? I mean, he’s admitted that the porn stars and lesbians and freaks are on his show partly because of ratings, but once he starts talking to them, he talks to them like human beings, because that’s what they are. That’s what makes him different. That’s what makes him refreshing. He doesn’t treat them like they’re stupid.
OK, fine. It’s just Howard Stern that’s stupid.
Well, you can think that, but I don’t think millions of listeners would agree. I mean, he asks porn stars the real questions people want to know, you know, like, when they have anal sex, does the guy ever get poop on his pecker?
That’s really not what I want to know.
Yes, I understand. But there’s a lot more to it. For example, when he has racists on his show …
Ha! He is a racist.
Ha! You definitely have never listened to Howard Stern. He is the opposite of a racist.
I don’t know.
I know you don’t know. That’s why I’m telling you. As I was saying, when he has racists on his show, unlike any other talk show host who would do the obvious thing and berate the person incessantly for being a racist, Howard interviews them like everybody else. He’s had a KKK guy on for at least 20 years …
That’s really wonderful. Just really uplifting.
Well, it is. He asks the KKK guy a question like, “Who do you hate the most? Blacks, Jews or Gays? And why?” And since he’s not yelling at the guy, since he’s treating it like a regular conversation, he lets the dumbass ignoramus answering the questions do all the berating for him. That’s the difference between a broadcasting genius and everyone else in this sad business. It’s subtle. It’s nuanced. And that’s one of the reasons I listen. You want to know the other reason?
No, but I’m sure you’ll tell me anyway.
It’s the honesty. Do you know of any other broadcaster or even a public figure in the United States who will get on the air on a Monday morning and talk about how his weekend was the greatest ever because his wife was out of town and he got to beat off in peace for three days?
Uh, no. Nor do I care to know.
Right. Of course. But still, don’t you think it takes some balls to talk about how he has a masturbation ritual, that he leaves the tissues by the bed … Shit, years ago, while on the air, he remembered that he left the soiled tissues by the bed and forgot to throw them in the trash and the cleaning lady was scheduled to come over. He couldn’t live with the possibility that she would find them and know what they were, so he had his producer go to his apartment while they were live on the air and get rid of them. That’s what you call brilliant radio.
No, that’s what YOU call brilliant radio. That’s what I call disgusting.
Did you know that Howard Stern was the first one to put his mother on the air, and that David Letterman ripped him off?
Yeah? So what?
So it’s another thing that had never been done in broadcasting. It was phenomenal radio to hear his mother call in, unsolicited, in the 1980s to bitch at Howard because she found something he did in the previous segment to be offensive. All of a sudden, he’d be backed into a corner and have to talk his way out of it, calling her “Mommy” and sounding like a teenager again.
I’m sure she was right!
Of course she was. But that’s not the point. The point is that Howard Stern never decided to make his show raunchy and full of freaks and losers and the dregs of humanity. He just opened a forum in which anything goes and watched with the same amazement as any of his listeners as all of these people flocked to his show. Believe me, he still has the same sense of wonderment as I do at how successful he’s become simply by going on the air and telling the truth.
Well, I’m glad you like it, but it’s not something I’d ever be into.
You should listen, just once. Listen for an hour. Believe me, I’m not into the porn stars either anymore. I’ll flip to the Pearl Jam channel or the soft-rock hits of the ‘70s station when he’s got them in the studio.
No thanks.
No problem.
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Oh how I miss Howard. You speak the truth, Tom.