How did we successfully destroy Iraq for their non-involvement in the attacks of September 11th? Football, that’s how. God forbid another country decides to not be involved in September 11th because football is now stronger than ever. If this weekend has taught us anything it is that our country cares about the NFL and the only time we unite and exhibit unadulterated patriotism is when our football is interrupted. Hopefully we aren’t ever attacked during the tranquil June-offseason-nexus, when baseball is boring (it’s always boring, Jesus, just quit already), basketball is over, and football is on hiatus– because we would probably not notice and not care.
Real Time Status:
As I type this for you I am smoking a bowl and texting white girls. I’m not brazen enough to text my true feelings, “I have 2 hours to kill, do you want to have sex?” so I instead sent this text, “hey, you ;-)” Those two statements mean the same thing to me, but I think it fools girls.
The trouble with September 11th occurring during football season and falling precisely on a football filled Sunday means I had to listen to scores of athletes and coaches attempt to speak eloquently about the events of that tragic autumn morning a decade ago.
Here is a great Dave Chappelle joke, well every Chappelle joke is great, but here is one that is applicable to this past weekend.
We are all to blame for breaking Dave’s brain, so it is our responsibility to make sure his genius lives on in infamy, err, in the opposite of infamy, just famy, yup, that feels right.
Anyways, I had to spend this past weekend listening to athletes and coaches drop 9-11 insight, sorry, but no one cares what Mark Sanchez thinks of 9-11. On top of the mostly redundant and appropriately limited athlete vocabulary I had to listen to a just as limited and redundant delivery from George Bush.
The look that most athletes have on their faces when they realize that they’ve run out of words, you know the attempted contemplative gaze that end up looking down-syndromey, well that is the same face that George Bush used to govern our nation.
Real Time Status:
Random Blonde just texted me back that she was “in her jammies,” so I texted back, “I wanna be in your jammies.” Yup, the fact that I am painfully single should be growing less and less shocking to you.
George Bush somehow fit tossing the coin during the primetime Sunday night football game in between his busy schedule of drinking out of the milk carton and coloring outside the lines. There was one major pro and one major con to his prime-time visit. The major con was that the coin that he tossed in the game is now worth half as much; he’s still got it, he halved the worth of the U.S. economy so a coin in pregame was child’s play (everything Bush does is child’s play).
Now the pro, hopefully watching Bush will remind people of how stupid we were to fall for the southern charms of a Texan governor. Bush doing an impression of Perry doing an impression of Bush should hopefully destroy Perry’s presidential bid.
Speaking of presidential bids I have been hearing the name Giuliani whispered in hushed tones around churches and KKK rallies. The unfortunate part of September 11, 2011 is that people are back to pretending that Rudy Giuliani was a transcendent once-in-a-lifetime leader. Lest we forget, hmmm, forget the lest since we surely forgot what I’m about to type, but Rudy put the anti-terror task-force inside the very building they were required to protect. He is Bush with less folksy-charm and more lispy-philandering.
Real Time Status:
That mass text I sent to a random sampling (all six girls I know) of women in my phone has not developed into anything of note. And while waiting I ending up smoking too much weed and because of the weed I ended up eating too many Bugles and because of the Bugles I am now bloated and because of the bloat I am now in harmony with the ladies who dismissed me, as I am now sufficiently disgusted with myself.
I guess it’s fitting that we flock to football as our savoir – it is a microcosm, or macrocosm, depending on whether the electorate is greater or less than the number of football fans in existence. But, micro or macro, it is fitting that a sport featuring teams of ravenous players bent on destroying opponents in the pursuit of a singular goal, political supremacy, I mean the SuperBowl, now represents America. That is all our political system is these days, groups of teams fighting over something that, in the grand scheme of things, is not all that important. Football players/teams don’t actually care about fans and political parties don’t actually care about the constituency. The only difference is we expect more decorum and civility from our athletes than we do from our leaders.
Real World Status:
I have yet to receive any more texts from the white girls. I am contemplating sending another text to the girls who decided to ignore me. I need to determine the least pathetic route – resending the same message, and then a follow up message saying, “oops, phone’s on the fritz, what’s up” or I could go the gas-light route and text “sure, sounds good, I’ll pick up some vino and be there in 20.” Yeah, I’m going with the latter, it may trick a trick into pulling tricks. Gas lighting ladies has accounted for 93% of my sexual conquests. Since I have only bedded three ladies in my life, the 93% assertion may confuse you, and it should.
The only saving football did for me this weekend was to save me from athletes, announcers, and former presidents speaking above their pay grade. The commemorative ceremony was a nice touch, hollow, but provided enough of a wink and a nod to the military and to the victims to satiate the fans. But after the pre-game histrionics and attempts at profundity by players, everyone just settled back into their corners, ignoring the historic white-noise while concentrating on fantasy leagues and football scores. The ceremonies created a small grace period that made everyone feel like they had accomplished something, a small grace period that doubled as an excuse for people to continue being themselves. Not unlike September 11, 2001; there was a period of time after that date when patriotism and unity rang true. There was a time when we tried to behave the way we thought we should behave. But that time was short lived. And we settled back into our corners and into our divisive ideologies, because we tried being good once and that was enough nobility and enough of a reason for us to go back to being ourselves.
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