Halloween is quickly approaching, which for adults means one thing: getting drunk while wearing a costume. Oh yeah, and candy (I guess it means two things). If you are anything like me, you’ll wait until the last second to decide on a Halloween costume, you won’t spend more than a few dollars on it, and you want it to be cooler than all the other party attendees’ costumes. While brainstorming what I might be for Halloween, I realized there are endless possibilities, many of which can be achieved by using only things you already own.
If you’re female, it really doesn’t matter what you wear as a costume. Halloween is the day we are supposed to dress like sluts, and if you don’t dress like a slut, you can kiss winning the costume contest goodbye (I’m merely being facetious here, there is a minute chance a non-slutty girl costume could win). Just because you’re dressing as a slut doesn’t mean you need to be a generic slut. There will be enough slutty mice, kittens, witches, vampires, nurses, et al. Spice things up! There are so many slutty possibilities, and you’re only limited by your ability to think of them.
Here are a few of my favorite slutty costume ideas.
Slutty Jesus: Perhaps you’re a good Christian girl; honor your religion and your obligation to dress as a slut for Halloween. All you need is white cloth fashioned to cover your breasts (slightly) and your vagina. Then put a crown of thorns on your head, draw a beard on your face, and put some gladiator sandals on. None of your disciples would betray you when you’re looking this good!
Slutty Darwin: Maybe religion isn’t your thing. Why not go as the man who pioneered the theory of evolution? All you need is a black bra and underwear, a black bowler hat, and a white beard (make it out of toilet paper or cotton balls). You should probably carry a monkey or a copy of The Origin of Species if you don’t want to explain who you are all night long.
Slutty Lincoln: If you want to steer away from the controversial altogether, why not dress as Lincoln? When he was President he wasn’t popular, but basically everyone loves him now! This one is pretty similar to the Darwin costume, but substitute a top hat for the bowler hat, make the beard black and wear a bow tie. You should try to avoid going to the theater though.
Slutty Hitler: Maybe you want to offend everyone? All you need is a military green colored bra set or swimsuit, some red fabric to make an arm band, and a mustache. I will not be held responsible for the fact that this costume will probably get your ass kicked.
Slutty Einstein: Want to show everyone that not only are you a slut, you’re also a genius? This is the perfect costume. Wear you sexiest bra and panties with an open lab coat over them, put a white mustache on your face and add a name tag that says Einstein. Bonus points if you can achieve crazy Einsteinesque hair without ruining your overall sexiness. This costume is a great choice if you’re into nerds because secretly they probably all want to have sex with Einstein, and now they have the chance without being a necrophiliac.
I understand that many of the males out there might also be looking for a costume, so I tried to think up a few costumes for them too, which was slightly harder because I am quite unaware of what the average male would have in his possession to use in a costume. If you’re a nerd, you’re probably being some sort of superhero, video game character, or someone from a favorite show. These suggestions are only for the ultra lazy contingent.
Hulk: If you have a lot of muscles, paint yourself green and wear some purple shorts that lean toward the tight side. Easiest costume ever, and the girls will love it.
King Leonidas: Much like the Hulk costume, this also requires having muscles and high self-confidence; however, it doesn’t require painting yourself green. Just throw on a Speedo and some sandals and you are good to go.
Clark Kent: Don’t have the muscles? Wear a suit. Women think that men in suits are really sexy. Wear a Superman shirt under it, and leave it slightly open. Put on some glasses. Looking this sexy, you’ll find your Lois Lane in no time.
Random hookup: This is the ultimate lazy costume. Wear whatever you normally wear to the bar, but also put a paper bag over your head with only little holes for your eyes. You’re that guy she slept with that one night from the bar. If she perceives you as someone she has already had sex with, doing it again won’t add to her numbers. This could possibly be a surefire way to get laid. It would also be great if you are extremely ugly.
Wasting money on a Halloween costume is pointless. As you can see, the possibilities of things to wear as costumes within your own house are endless. Use your brain and you can be that person at the party who everyone is jealous of.
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