Conspiracy Theory Case File # 457-9A: Keebler Elves, by Phil Testa

I swear it’s the Keebler elves orchestrating the celebrity world. I say that because there is no way all of those delicious treats can be manufactured from that kind of bakery in a tree. That being said, I don’t trust the Keebler elves. I don’t trust Hollywood either. Therefore, I believe the Keebler elves are using the Fudge Shoppe as a front for the business of orchestrating the lives of Hollywood’s premiere players in a way that allows for maximum publicity.

Kim Kar-douche-ian just so happens to marry a desperate-for-fame, mediocre basketball player, pay not a cent for her wedding and still earn $17 million from it. Meanwhile, she just filed for a divorce requesting non-spousal support so she doesn’t have to spend the $17 million she pointlessly earned.

Let’s not forget her sex tape and every other celebrity sex tape, nipple slip and sext message. It’s no coincidence that after Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee made the sex tape famous others began to come out of the woodwork: Colin Farrell, Kendra Wilkinson, Paris Hilton (although, not at all surprising) and let’s not forget Laurence Fishburne’s firstborn, Montana. She skipped over the sex tape and went straight for hardcore porn. Free your mind, Morpheus. Free your mind.

This “surprise nudity” situation is too precise to be random. At least a dozen times a year, some famous woman’s nipple makes a cameo or another set of grainy, nude Blackberry pictures of some young A-lister who feels neglected pop up on TMZ. Following those shocking events is the PR cover-up, right on schedule, which consists of an outrage and denial or nothing at all. We eat it up like Keebler Deluxe Chip cookies and ask no questions. By the time we can form an opinion, someone else’s boob flies out. Thanks, Blake Lively.

No human has the steady hand or ingenuity to pull of such a procedure. It takes the precision of a gnome-like pastry Chef that inhabits a tree to be able to script Hollywood like this. If you’re clever enough to create the Fudge Stripe Cookie, you’re clever enough to puppeteer Britney Spears’ private parts.

Paying close attention, I’ve noticed the conspiracy: by exposing nipples and banging on a Handycam we forget the real details of what is happening around us. Conservatives claim the institution of marriage is a respected, important bond that cannot be tarnished by those “crazy, voo-doo” homosexuals. However, it can be used and discarded as easily as Magic Cards by Hollywood. Pre-teens take better care of their Pokemon.

We will continue to be drawn to illegitimate marriages through the media instead of respecting the age-old institution that not only represents the American Dream but a Worldwide one as well. We will be entertained by the giant M&Ms stuffed into regular chocolate chip cookie instead of having simple fun with a Chips Ahoy.

Those goddamn Keebler elves get us again.