Congratulations. You actually did it. You survived Black Friday.
Or, I’m assuming you survived because if you didn’t, in order to be reading this there would have to be an afterlife so boring that you were still interested in reading random articles on the Internet, and I can’t bear that thought. I hope you survived by avoiding Black Friday altogether. Were a few bargains really worth your sanity? As someone who formerly worked retail, I’m here to offer some insider tips on surviving the stores for the rest of the holiday season so that you can actually enjoy the holidays.
The best way to survive the stores during the holidays is to take out a physical restraining order on them and shop for your presents from the safe distance of online. You’ve heard of the Internet, right? You know the thing Al Gore invented when the polar bears started to complain about the Coca-Cola commercials? Yes, you’re using it to look at this article right now. Guess what? The Internet also contains websites for almost every store you can think of. Relax, you can find all the presents you need, usually for the same price or cheaper than in stores, and during the holidays, online retailers usually offer free or reduced shipping. Even if the store doesn’t offer free shipping, just consider the money you would have spent on gas to get to all the stores, not to mention the price tag on the Xanax you’d need to recover from those trips. It’s more than possible to get all of your presents online so you can avoid stores altogether. Except when it comes to buying groceries. For groceries during the holiday season, I recommend shopping at 3 a.m. on Saturday night. Please try to be sober though, because drunk driving is illegal, and you’ll end up with way more junk food than you planned.
Maybe shopping on the Internet isn’t an option for you because you don’t have a credit card? Sorry, you’re fucked.
Alright, I do have a couple tips for you Cro-Magnons that insist on savaging the stores. No matter what, shopping is probably going to be like getting your fingernails pulled out one by one with pliers; but if you feel the need to go to a mall, (Why would you do that to yourself? Are you a secret masochist?) I would suggest taking a half day off from work. The weekends are going to be awful, and the evenings are also going to be awful. Your best bet is to go in the morning on a weekday and fight it out with only the slower, weaker cavemen: the housewives and retirees. If you can’t take time off from work, and absolutely have to go to the mall, you should probably get someone to drive you there and get ridiculously drunk first. It won’t seem quite as painful.
Hopefully, you are able to avoid the mall, because, let’s face it, that place always sucks, not just during the holidays. This means you’re probably doing your shopping at stores such as Target and Walmart. If you’re hitting up Target, it’s going to be a bit more difficult, because it’s not open 24 hours. Fortunately, they have some funky extended hours that can go until as late as midnight the last couple of weeks before Christmas (check local listings). Most people don’t realize this change occurs. That means that if you go to the store after 10 p.m., it will be pretty empty, and shopping will be quite enjoyable. If you do go during some other hours because you like to ignore good advice, avoid electronics, it will be busy.
If you’re shopping at Walmart, do you hate everyone you’re buying presents for? If you do, don’t buy them anything, and you can avoid the store altogether. Perhaps you do hate the person, but it’s your mother-in-law, so you need to get a present anyway. Walmart is open 24 hours. Shop in the middle of the night. There will be all kinds of weird people to stare at to keep yourself entertained (maybe even other people drunk-shopping) and besides the 5’3” 325 pound workers putting out stock, you won’t have to deal with much traffic. There will probably be only one checkout lane open, so expect that you’ll be waiting in that line for at least 10 minutes, and overall your experience shouldn’t be that horrifying.
Next year, plan in advance. Either tell everyone you no longer believe in the consumerist practice of gift giving in December early on (this means you won’t get any presents, but you also won’t have to buy any) or get everyone a gift card. Not worrying about presents makes the holidays less stressful.
Which is a plus, because you’ll already have enough stress without the shopping just from being around your family.
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