It’s the most wonderful time of the year! It can also be the most terrible time of the year.
The December holidays make me feel like I need social interaction more than anything else. I usually hang out alone, every day, watching Netflix, walking my dog, and sleeping, but when it comes to Christmas I want to be with my family or friends. Luckily, this year I do not have to spend it alone, but in the past, that wasn’t always the case. Airplane tickets are ridiculously expensive during Christmas, and if you live far away from your family, it’s often your only chance to go spend it with them. Last year I didn’t have an extra thousand dollars lying around, and I also didn’t have any friends close enough that I would feel okay infringing on a family Christmas (or any friends at all). This meant that I got to spend the day for family and friends alone with my dog Master Chief, who despite his many positive qualities is a shitty conversationalist.
Not all was lost in this sad affair though; I learned how to have a successful Christmas while completely alone. The key is making the perfect dinner. First you’ll need to go shopping. Buy two bottles of champagne, a bird of some sort, some potatoes, and a dessert. For the bird, you have a few options. If you eat like a normal person, a Rock Cornish Game Hen will probably be enough food for you, however; if you eat like I do, you might want to get a 12 pound turkey, you’ll probably want an entire bag of potatoes too, not just one or two. Dessert can be whatever you like: pumpkin pie, cake, ice cream or my favorite, scotch.
Now you have all the supplies necessary to make a wonderful dinner, and it’s time to discuss the actual logistics of the day. First, sleep in as late as possible. When I was younger, I always got up as early as was I could to look at my stocking and generally annoy my night owl family. The bad news is when you’re alone, there is nothing to look forward to once you get out of that bed. Except complete loneliness and depression, of course. Around noon is the earliest I would recommend getting up and starting to cook your dinner. In order to set the perfect, “I’m a loser and I’m alone on Christmas” mood, you must find the perfect music. You don’t actually want to decide to hang out in your car in the garage with it running after dinner, so avoid anything Christmas-y and play some rap or death metal. This way you can experience feelings of anger rather than depression. It will help you bring up questions such as, “If my family really wanted to see me so much, why didn’t they come visit me or send me the money to get a ticket?”
You’re out of bed and the perfect Christmas mood of pure hatred is set, so it’s time to start cooking. The first step is opening one of the bottles of champagne and pouring yourself a flute. Drink the flute, realize it doesn’t hold enough champagne, and then chug the bottle. While you’re chugging the bottle, preheat your oven. Put your turkey in the oven. You’re probably pretty drunk by now. Because your turkey is twelve pounds, it is going to take about 4 hours to cook. While it’s cooking, why not call your family and ask why they all hate you so much? You have a lot of anger, and just the right amount of buzz to tell them how you really feel without slurring your words.
After you’re finished berating your family and then drunkenly crying, drink your other bottle of champagne and make your mashed potatoes and whatever other sides you plan on eating. Your turkey should be about finished, so take it out of the oven, and get your drunken munchies on. Eat away all of your sorrows. When you’re done just throw the leftovers in the fridge uncovered (if there are any) because, who cares, and get yourself some pie or real dessert (scotch).
The day is almost over, finally. Watch some television, drink your scotch, and maybe fall asleep early. This may not sound like a great day to you, but I’ve traveled a lot on the holidays, and have spent them in many different states, and the best state to spend the holidays in is drunk.
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