Area Man Resurrects Borat Impression
NEW CASTLE, Penn. — Sources close to Barry Townsend indicate that the 38-year-old mattress store manager has decided to resume using his impression of fictional film character Borat in everyday conversation. Townsend said the store’s stellar fourth-quarter sales reignited his appreciation of the Sacha Baron Cohen character. “I saw the numbers and I just couldn’t help myself. I shouted, ‘Great success!’ and was right back on the wagon,” said Townsend, who plans to retire his use of the Charlie Sheen catchphrase “Winning!” to make room for the Borat quotes. “Nobody laughed, so I had to remind them of who I was imitating. Now I think they’re on board with it.” Townsend added that he also plans to utilize “Very nice!,” “I like-a sex,” and “What’s up with it, vanilla face?” as often as possible. Assistant manager Holly Meeks handed in her two-week notice shortly after this revelation.
In-Game Sentences Ending in ‘Baby’ Down Among NFL Players
NEW YORK — A study conducted by the National Football League revealed that players are ending their sentences during games with the word “baby” 4 percent less often than a season ago. The word saw an 11 percent drop in practice and training camp sentences as well. The NFL had no definitive explanation for the drop in usage, although many believed the ever-growing popularity of nouns such as “son” and “dog” was to blame. “I haven’t really noticed a difference,” said Wes Reynolds, who holds one of those dumb-looking plastic domes on the sidelines of games. “I do hear the N-word a lot, though.” Despite the dip, the sentence, “All day, baby” was the most-uttered on-field phrase for the ninth season in a row.
No End in Sight for Who-Will-Be-Photographed-Without-A-Hat-First Competition Between Ron Howard and Steven Spielberg
LOS ANGELES — Academy Award-winning directors Ron Howard and Steven Spielberg revealed at a red carpet event on Saturday that the two are in the midst of an epic who-will-be-photographed-without-a-hat-first competition, and neither is prepared to call it quits. “I haven’t left the house without wearing one of my movie’s promotional ball caps in probably 34 years,” Spielberg said. Howard, who wore an all-black hat with a tan bill to go with his stylish tuxedo, one-upped the Hollywood icon. “All of my children were conceived while I was wearing a cap,” he said. Although the duo admitted that the paparazzi does not snap as many photos of them as the stars of their movies, Howard and Spielberg revealed that the stakes were still pretty high if a qualifying photograph were ever to be published. “The first one photographed without a hat has to direct a remake of Houseguest with Tyler Perry in Sinbad’s role,” said Spielberg, who has been sporting a half-War Horse, half-The Adventures of Tin Tin cap since May of this year. Clint Howard, who drove his brother to the event, said he’s rooting for Spielberg. “I need the work,” Clint said.
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