I learn something new almost every day.
Like today for instance. Today I learned there’s a girl out there running around in the world with the name “Kyndl.” That’s the sluttiest name I’ve ever heard. I’m glad to know this.
This year’s Christmas break, which I spent with various members of my family in Kansas, was no exception. I learned a bunch of stuff.
Stuff like:
1) Every guy in Kansas City needs to be Saving Silverman’ed.
2) If you have a house party, you’d better put a reservation on your bed. Otherwise somebody’s gonna fuck in it.
3) The best family bonding takes place when you’re talking shit about other family members.
4) A guy with a 2-foot beard and a Slayer t-shirt does not know what people want to dance to.
5) I’d like to enter my brother Dan in a candy-eating contest.
6) The “well, he is going to have to fit this in his suitcase” phenomenon is hell on one’s Christmas present haul.
7) If you drink this much Knob Creek 
you’ll have a great night but if you drink this much Knob Creek 
you’ll nearly die.
8) 20 games of Settlers of Catan in eight days is still not enough.
9) I’m really good at trivia games when I play with idiots but really bad at trivia games when I play with smart people. Either way you don’t want me on your team if we’re playing a trivia game.
10) Don’t leave Paul Shirley at a club on his birthday thinking he can take care of himself. He cannot take care of himself.
11) Matt Shirley can’t take care of himself on Paul Shirley’s birthday either.
12) As you probably know, Southwest Airlines flights don’t have assigned seating. Instead they assign boarding groups. Family boarding, when anyone accompanying a child gets on the plane, takes place between groups A and B. Family boarding on flights out of Kansas City makes up at least ¾ of all boarding on Southwest
13) Speaking of flying with kids, who are these people? When my brothers and I were of annoying-crying-baby age, we didn’t leave the county.
14) At any given time, 70% of the people you will see in the Midwest will be wearing some type of sports apparel.
15) Does it even count as a party if there’s no flipcup?
16) It must suck to be the mom/wife/matriarch and know what all the presents are.
17) Don’t have four boys unless you want to be subjected to a lot of farting.
18) Old people will sometimes bring their home phones in their purses and then try to place calls at the airport.
19) That actually happened.
20) Every story a girl tells includes at least 50 unnecessary words.
That’s all, until next year. Now I’m going to go learn some new things about this Kyndl chick. I mean Christ, her name doesn’t even have any vowels!
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This is good – you learned a lot. I was totally hoping you’d bring Kyndle full circle and you did. High five with both hands.