Elliott Belton To The Rescue, by Riley Breckenridge

The “Health” subgroup of the Yahoo! Answers forum is a self-feeding and self-defeating treasure trove/unmitigated clusterfuck of misguided and misinformed information being thrown to-and-fro about the interwebs by people who are (sadly) very…um…dumb. If you were to let it get to you, what you read in this forum could make you hope that the Mayans were right. If you don’t, it’s a never ending well of unintentional comedy (made slightly less funny by the fact that the folks that post these questions actually exist and manage to function in society).

I called my friend, noted opinionist Elliott Belton, hoping that he might be able to help some of these wayward souls.

Also: These are actual questions submitted to Yahoo! Answers.

Submitted by BONK

Subject: SERIOUS – How many hairs are in the human butt crack?

I would like to calculate the average amount of hair on a human. So i am sectioning the body and then I’ll add it all up! So starting with the butt crack…how many on average?

Well, BONK, after conducting research in my home laboratory using a series of mirrors, a jeweler’s eyepiece and some BBQ tongs I have surmised that the average human intergluteal cleft houses roughly 97 hairs. Now, since we are seeking a “true” average figure for humans we must consider those stricken with Alopecia, and conversely we must factor Robin Williams into the equation. However, the mathematics and research involved in determining those outliers are your responsibility. Happy hunting!

Submitted by WHO CARES WHAT FRANKIE SAYZ

Subject: WHAT IS A GUYS LOWER BACK CALLED?

I know a females have a ‘small on their back’ whats it called on a guy?

Usually, “Todd”. Have a great weekend!

Submitted by Clark

Subject: How to start growing?

Im 14 and I’m 5’4 18 lbs. When my dad was my age he was huge and really big. i’m still not growing and I have to play football for highschool this year. What should I do to grow like my dad did and brother and other family

18 lbs. is roughly the average weight of a 10-month-old baby, so WE HAVE QUITE A BIT OF WORK TO DO. At 5’4” and 18 lbs., you are essentially a human kite, so I might suggest base-jumping as a hobby rather than getting folded into an origami piece of “sad and debilitated” on the football field. Just because your “dad…and brother, and other family” were huge and really big (and “large” and “really big” and other words that mean “not 18 lbs.”) doesn’t mean you’re cut out for football. Maybe you should reassess your priorities.

Submitted by warriorprince

Subject: My pennies only four inch,,how can i make my pennies grow bigger?

Get some more pennies.

Submitted by Grip Tail

Subject: How much would you say someone could improve their vertical if they lost 20 pounds of fat?

just on average for someone stronger an less athletic, would you say its closer to 1 inch or closer to 5 inches?

In my opinion, if you were to lower your weight to say…18 lbs (like our friend Clark) you could probably fly. And in a world where we appear perfectly content to say “You Can Do Anything!”, rather than discouraging anyone, why settle for a measly five inches on your vertical? Fly, son. FLY!

Submitted by Madisyn

Subject: How to lose vaginal fat?

I plan on to lose about 10-20 pounds by the summer for bikini season . (SUMMER!<3)

Will the weight around it be lost too?

Thanks(:

That is a really fat vagina. I wish you luck and sincerely hope that you don’t have to lug the weight of our friend Clark around betwixt your haunches this summer. It’ll destroy any chance of you riding your beach cruiser down the boardwalk this SUMMER!<3

Submitted by Lauren

Subject: Is it like a sneeze? (female)?

Is it true that a female Orgasm feels like a sneeze?

Yes. It is EXACTLY like a sneeze. You’ll feel it coming, it’ll happen, those around you will say “God bless you”, and you’ll wipe it off with your sleeve.

Submitted by Sky Tilley

Subject: Why does my pee smell like maple syrup?

My pee smells exactly like maple syrup and it’s been that way for a few days. Could it be because I’ve been eating maple sugar oatmeal for breakfast?

It’s because you’re Canadian. Have a great weekend!

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