In 1921 Herb Merp attended a Daft Punk concert. He returned to the Swiss loft he shared with Zooey Deschanel to write a book based on Daft Punk’s hit song “Psychodiagnostik.” As is the case with most struggling authors, Merp ended up doodling on the pages instead of writing anything of substance. The doodles seemed inconsequential until Herb realized that they could accurately determine the emotion that Zooey was feeling. Herb had great difficulty properly communicating with Zooey on account of her empty eyes, weird noises, and awkward singing voice. He couldn’t tell if the high-pitched squeak and off-center head tilting meant anguish or joy – but his inkblot doodles worked like gangbusters. He knew that he couldn’t possibly attract a publishing house with a name like Herb Merp, so he changed his name to Hermann (with 2 ‘N’s for extra pomp) Rorschach and the eponymous Rorschach inkblot test was born.
The inkblot test came with a completely arbitrary scoring system. The scoring system was made up of a group of determinants; basically it depended on what you thought the blots looked like and how sure you were of your answer. The test administrators would “grade” your level of insanity based on your responses. But since the test was completely useless, they would grade patients on how crazy they seemed and how seriously they took the test – i.e. if they took the test really serious they were definitely crazy but if they called bullshit on the blots they were cool to skip the lobotomy and go home.
In my personal efforts to amass great wealth with minimal effort I came up with a Rorschach test for 2012. Obviously inkblots are passé because no one would ever look up from their cell phone long enough to analyze them. So I knew that I had to find a new “blot” as it were, but I needed an assessment as completely arbitrary as an inkblot test to hang my hat on. If I pretended to understand something stupid and if I could convince people that I could use that something stupid to analyze brains I could become a thousandairre.
I present to you The Rosicky Jones Canseco-Twitterschach Test. Okay, so the name is a mouthful but the test is a hit. The new age equivalents of senseless inkblots are Jose Canseco Tweets. They are remarkable and I think they touch on a wavelength of insanity that few entities online actually approach. So I’ve selected 10 of his tweets to use as my introductory test and I have created a scoring system as arbitrary as the Rorschach scoring system.
The grading scale is simple. Following the reading of each Canseco tweet you’ll score your emotional status with the pictures below. Each picture serves as a visual representation of the test taker’s response on The Rosicky Jones Canseco-Twitterschach Test
If you answered Funny Asian Kid to most of the Canseco tweets then you are mentally stable and uninterestingly average. If you answered Black Clown to most of the Canseco Tweets then you have attained Stephen Hawking status. If you selected Cheney Face for most of your responses then you should be lobotomized and burned at a stake because you are a risk to yourself and to society. And, if you actually took the time to follow Jose Canseco on Twitter and then made up a silly psychosis quotient test then you are a lunatic writer who needs to get laid more often.
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