I must confess: I had a bitch of a time coming up with a title for this article. It’s pretty difficult to tell the reader, in 10 words or fewer, that you’re about to pit NCAA basketball conferences against once another, based upon individual NBA player success.
See?
Below are imaginary teams of NBA players, separated by which conferences they were a part of as undergrads, then ranked according to my brain.
#1: Pac 12
G Russell Westbrook
G James Harden
F Andre Iguodala
F Ryan Anderson
C Kevin Love
Breakdown: It’s hard to imagine this team not shitting on every other team in this competition. The backcourt all went deep into the playoffs this year and the frontcourt features the last two Most Improved Players. Or something not so Mark Schlereth-sounding.
Possible Snubs: You could substitute Andrew Bogut or Brook Lopez for Ryan Anderson but those guys have fragile bones and I want a team that shoots 100 3s a game.
#2: ACC
G Chris Paul
G Anthony Morrow
F Luol Deng
F Chris Bosh
C Tim Duncan
Breakdown: While Chris Bosh and Tim Duncan have shown how valuable they are to their respective teams this year, Chris Paul has shown that he, well, kind of sucks. Paul and Morrow in the backcourt lands this team firmly in the 2 hole. Insert gay penis joke here. (Insert joke about inserting gay penis joke here, here.)
Possible Snubs: Kyrie Irving or Ty Lawson for Anthony Morrow? Seems like I got it right the first time to me. And Carlos Boozer and Elton Brand aren’t that good anymore.
#3: SEC
G Rajon Rondo
G Joe Johnson
F Gerald Wallace
F Joakim Noah
C David Lee
Breakdown: While David Lee averaged 20 and 10 this year, he plays on Golden State and is white so he seems like the weak link.
Still, this team is pretty damn good defensively, and could easily challenge for #2.
Possible Snubs: You could put John Wall, Marcus Thornton, or DeMarcus Cousins on the team. If you want it to suck.
#4: Big East
G Kyle Lowry
G Dwyane Wade
F Rudy Gay
F Carmelo Anthony
C Roy Hibbert
Breakdown: I guess you could put this team as high as #2 but I didn’t because I’m not stupid. Anytime Carmelo and Rudy Gay are on the same team, it’s not really going to work out too well.
And Kyle Lowry is fat.
Possible Snubs: If you put Greg Monroe at C instead of Roy Hibbert, I’m not going to argue with you. I’d also like to include Wilson Chandler (DePaul grad. Who knew?) but he’s still got China stink on him.
#5: Big 12
G Mario Chalmers
G Kevin Durant
F Paul Pierce
F Blake Griffin
C LaMarcus Aldridge
Breakdown: As much of a Big 12 bias I have, I couldn’t in good conscience select them at any spot above #5 with such deficiencies at PG. Griffin’s ball-movement-killing game doesn’t help matters either.
Possible Snubs: The best team would probably include Tony Allen but then you’d lack a PG or PF, which as we all know from playing middle school YMCA, is never a good thing.
#6: Western Athletic Conference
G Ramon Sessions
G Paul George
F Dominic McGuire
F Paul Millsap
C Javale McGee
Breakdown: This team is actually pretty badass. Javale McGee is as dumb as piece of charcoal (racial joke not intended) but I think he would do just fine surrounded by all of the other calming forces the WAC has to offer.
Possible Snubs: None, since there are only 5 eligible WAC players. Unless you count Armon Johnson. Which I don’t.
#7: Big 10
G Mike Conley
G Deron Williams
F Evan Turner
F Kris Humphries
C Zach Randolph
Breakdown: I really wanted to put the Big 10 last because I hate them but I couldn’t maintain my professionalism if I did so.
That being said, HAHA Big 10, you got beat by the WAC! You suck!
Possible Snubs: Eric Gordon at 2 and move Deron Williams to 1? Eh, no thanks.
#8: Mountain West
G Danny Granger
G Kawhi Leonard
F Shawn Marion
F Jason Smith
C Joel Anthony
Breakdown: Lacking a PG is tough but these kids might be able to give the Big 10 a run for their money if Shawn Marion is contractually obligated to never shoot 3s.
Possible Snubs: Louis Amundson might be a good swap for Jason Smith. But they’re both white so whatever.
#9: Atlantic 10
G Jameer Nelson
G Jordon Crawford
F David West
F Lamar Odom
C Marcus Camby
Breakdown: Gets kind of ugly near the end of that list but could still be dangerous since they at least have someone for every position.
Possible Snubs: Luke Bonner. And people say I snubbed Delonte West in my 10 Ugliest Current NBA Players list. Well I’m going to snub him again.
#10: Conference USA
G Tyreke Evans
G Derrick Rose
F Shawne Williams
F Julyan Stone
C Jerome Jordan
Breakdown: Who is Julyan Stone?
Possible Snubs: N/A
#11: West Coast Conference
G Steve Nash
G Jimmer Fredette
F Jeremy Pargo
F Austin Daye
C Ronny Turiaf
Breakdown: The last team that can actually field a team of 5 players (the Southern Conference would be pretty nice even with just Stephen Curry, Andrew Goudelock, and Kevin Martin), the WCC is Gonzaga heavy, which isn’t necessarily a good thing. Steve Nash is on the team though, which means each of the players is going to shoot about 10 percentage points higher than their career average and that they will all have a shot at banging his wife.
Possible Snubs: Your mom.
So that’s my list. Here’s the part where you provide your own rankings, tell me I missed Player X and screwed up Team Y, and curse at me for being such an idiot. Readdddddddy….GO!
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