We all know that Hollywood stopped making original movies sometime around the release of Jaws 3. Since then, we’ve been treated to a buffet of retreads, remakes, retellings, and sequels on prequels on sequels.
This summer, with Men in Black 3 hitting theaters a whole decade after the second installment, another comic book movie that will rake in one trillion dollars, another Nicholas Sparks movie, another Sacha Baron Cohen movie, and a movie based on a self-help pregnancy manual, Hollywood has pretty much given up.
And so they’ve gone with the next reasonable, logical step: They’ve started making movies based on board games.
In celebration of Battleship hitting theaters last week, I decided to do Hollywood a HUGE favor and give them the ideas for their next five summer blockbusters.
Now, I’ll admit I have no clue what Battleship is supposed to be about. Based on the trailer, I’m assuming that aliens (Rihanna?) rise from the ocean and attack a battleship, leaving the human race in the hands of Liam Neeson and Tim Riggins. On a positive note, Brooklyn Decker somehow figures into this.
I’m sure you’ll say, “That’s an unfair oversimplification,” or, “That’s not even what the movie is about,” or even, “Go fuck yourself,” but let’s not nitpick here. Basically, the movie is based on the game “Battleship,” even if it’s not.
So Hollywood, here you go, you ungrateful bastards – here are your next five summer blockbusters based on popular board games.
God help us all and please deliver us another trailer for The Dark Knight Rises – our only salvation.
Monopoly: The Movie
The year is 1895. Milford Samuels (Leonardo DiCaprio), a ruthless real estate tycoon, is thrown in jail for embezzling funds from his older sister (Rachel McAdams), who told him several times not to cheat and take money from the banker when no one else was looking. Now, with his freedom in jeopardy, only one piece of evidence stands in the way of him crossing GO and collecting his $200 bounty (A LOT of money in 1895). Also starring the Guy Who Plays a Prison Warden in Every Movie, as the Prison Warden.
Hungry, Hungry Hippos: The Movie
On a wildlife expedition to Africa, a wealthy American business man (Leonardo DiCaprio) is swindled by two crafty South African con artists (Josh Brolin, Anne Hathaway). With his life and, more important, his reputation on the line, he’s forced to enter the seedy, underground world of hippopotamus fighting to gain back all that he lost. Also starring That Guy Who Was Really Good in Blood Diamond.
Operation: The Movie
Tuesday, March 15, 2012 began as just another normal Tuesday for Dr. Milton Bradley (Leonardo DiCaprio) – until Sam Langford (Edward Norton) walked into Sacred Mercy Hospital and turned everyone’s lives upside down. Complaining of having a miniature horse lodged inside his leg, Sam is admitted for further tests. But an X-ray reveals much more than Dr. Bradley, or anyone else at Sacred Mercy Hospital, had ever bargained for. Directed by Ridley Scott. Also starring Someone From “Grey’s Anatomy.”
Guess Who?: The Movie
It’s a race against time for a suburban dad (Leonardo DiCaprio) who has become obsessed with identifying a local man (Tobey Maguire) who has gone on a killing spree, turning their small New England seaside town into a place of nightmares. One by one, this youth soccer coach-turned-vigilante eliminates townspeople based on physical features and quirky aspects of their appearance until he finally comes upon a stunning realization that will change everything. Soundtrack by The Guess Who.
Jumanji 2: The Movie
A movie based on a board game that was based on a movie based on a board game, Jumanji 2 takes viewers on that same wild ride they remember from the first Jumanji movie and maybe even the ensuing board game that was spawned by that first Jumanji movie, the one that had your kids clamoring for an actual board game that would be based on the board game that was depicted in the board-game-inspired movie. Starring Leonardo DiCaprio as Robin Williams and Robin Williams, not reprising his role from the first film, as Leonardo DiCaprio.
There you have it. It’s amazing how I just made Hollywood no less than $565 million dollars and I did it on Memorial Day weekend, hung over, in between sips of a Bloody Mary – which is probably exactly how they do it in Hollywood.
But I wouldn’t know, because again, I’m just an average guy with a predilection for knowing what the people want. And what the people want are more movies very loosely based on games they played as a child.
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