This Summer’s Top TV Picks (Now FCC-Free!), by Hank Layton

28 Jun 2012

This past week, in a case NOT related to American health care, the U.S. Supreme Court threw out a number of proposed penalties against FOX and ABC for violating the Federal Communications Commission’s policy on curse words and nudity on television. It was an important, if somewhat overlooked, decision that many believe will change the future of TV censorship.

Now that the FCC is powerless to stop them from showing a little skin or dropping a few F-bombs, broadcast networks are taking advantage and hoping to reel in more viewers.

So grab your remote, because you’ll definitely want to DVR these episodes:

HELL’S KITCHEN — 8 P.M., JULY 9, FOX

After a contestant sneezes into a bowl of spaghetti, Chef Gordon Ramsay goes on a 23-minute, profanity-laced (but bleep-free!) tirade that ends with him picking his nose and forcing the contestant to suck off the boogers. Ramsay then gives her the option to stay on the show if she legally changes her name to Shit Tits. But does she do it? You’ll have to tune in to find out.

HOW TO BE A GENTLEMAN — 7:30 P.M., JULY 14, CBS

Expect a ratings boost for this thought-to-be-doomed sitcom when, in a special hour-long episode, Andrew and Bert fall in love with the same prostitute (Octomom Nadya Suleman guest-stars). Their friendship crumbles until an orgy with the hooker and five of her colleagues (uncensored, of course) elevates it to a whole new level. Warning: Episode features multiple shots of Kevin Dillon’s O-face.

ROCK CENTER WITH BRIAN WILLIAMS — 10 P.M., JULY 19, NBC

After correspondent Chelsea Clinton’s in-depth exposé on queefing, Williams sits down for an exclusive one-on-one interview with “Canadian Psycho” Luka Rocco Magnotta, who allegedly murdered a former lover and mailed parts of the body to several political offices. The show will include uncensored clips from Magnotta’s best-reviewed gay porn catalogue, as well as Williams’s.

DUETS — 8 P.M., JULY 26, ABC

Gangsta rap is the theme of this highly anticipated episode, which will see contestants try to tackle such numbers as “Fuck Tha Police,” “Pop That Pussy” and “Real Nigga Roll Call” — the latter of which holds the Guinness world record for most cuss words in a single song. Kelly Clarkson and Robin Thicke will then conclude with a special duet of “Niggas in Paris,” wherein “special” means “topless under the Eiffel Tower.”

AMERICA’S NEXT TOP MODEL — 8 P.M., AUGUST 1, CW

ANTM returns with a hell of a lot more than a bang when Tyra asks the latest batch of beauties to shoot a page-by-page recreation of the hit book Fifty Shades of Grey. Things take an interesting turn in hour three when Tyra joins in on the fun, and then again in hour five when she is rushed to the hospital to treat painful leather whip burns on her buttocks and forehead. The contestants then head to the morgue for a photo shoot that challenges them to look sexy while performing fellatio on dead bodies. Rigor mortis? More like Rigor more of this, please!

DAYTIME SOAP OPERA RECOMMENDATIONS

All of them. Trust me.

…

Follow FlipCollective on Twitter.