I check my personal email way more often than necessary. I rarely receive significant personal correspondence, and I don’t expect to, but that doesn’t stop me from opening and re-opening my Gmail account about 3,000 times a day.
Here are some emails that would more or less warrant the vigilance with which I monitor my inbox.
I’m almost certain you don’t remember me, but wanted to reach out all the same.
My therapist says I will only become whole if I balance and restore justice, so I’m trying to set right some wrongs. Like in that wonderful program My Name Is Earl.
I’ve been rife with guilt for the past few years, ever since Matty told me I used to frighten you and the rest of his friends with the stories I would tell at sleepovers when you all were tiny. So I felt compelled to write and say there is (likely) no such thing as a lizard man with hooks for hands who lives underneath little boys’ beds and only appears after his parents have kissed him goodnight and turned out the light.
It’s unlikely you’ve been compulsively checking underneath every bed you’ve slept in for the past 18 years, even going so far as to tell women you were on the floor looking for your contact lens despite the fact that you have perfect vision. But like I said, I wanted to tell you, just to make sure.
It’s Emma, from elementary school! Remember me?! I moved to Boston in second grade when we were best friends, but we made that pact that if we weren’t both married at 25 we would meet up and do all the things that we’d ask grown-ups about and they would say, “We’ll tell you when you’re older?”
Well, I’m not married and your mom – she gave me your email address, said you’d probably love to hear from me – said you aren’t, either.
Anyway, I’m just about to get to Ocean City if you want to get together and have some wild, wild sex. I’m only going to be in town for another 24 minutes, but, not to toot my own horn, I’m pretty darn attractive, so it probably won’t take you very long. Especially if you still have that quick trigger like you did back in high school! (Ashlee and I from down the road still keep in touch; she said you two had a fling that lasted 18 text messages and about 28 seconds of actual intimate time.)
I hope to hear from you, because if not I will assume you think I’m creepy, block you out of my life and never talk to you again. LOL!
It was really cool seeing you out the other night. It had been way too long. I thought it was hilarious how you pretended like you didn’t remember me from freshman year when we played our nightly Dungeons & Dragons game in the dormitory basement. And wasn’t it funny how I was like, “Probably because you only remember me as a high-level Druid?”
Anyway, we should catch up soon. I have to go now, though. We made this breakthrough recently and we’re holding a presser about it today. Since I was on the research and testing team, the boss is making me go sit up there and talk a little bit about it.
What happened is we came up with this medicine that pretty much just leeches the fat right out of your body without you having to do any work at all. And it makes girls’ boobs bigger.
You might wanna invest some sheckels in some of the company’s shares, man. Like in the next 10 minutes. Because our stock is, I assume, going to skyrocket. Then you can purchase enough land where we can play real-life D&D when my company finishes inventing real magic. We’re closer than you could possibly imagine, LOL.
IT WAS A FALSE POSITIVE!!!! I didn’t know this was possible, but sometimes your STD test will come back and say you’re HIV positive when you’re really not. So I don’t have a deadly disease. And you probably don’t either, unless you’ve been having sex with someone else who does!
Digital High Five!! See what I did there?! I hope you haven’t sent that e-card out to all of your previous sexual partners where Magic Johnson is telling them they might want to get checked. That’d be embarrassing.
Anyway, want to come live with me in Hollywood and do nothing all day while I star in hit movies and satiate your every sexual desire in my free time? Let me know ASAP!
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