The following is an excerpt from Jenny Bahn’s piece for the Summer, 2012 issue of Cartel, the FlipCollective e-magazine.
After two years of being alone, I finally reached the end of my single girl’s rope. A rope I was nervously fashioning into a noose. Oh, don’t worry – I wasn’t actually going to use that noose. Not really. Not yet. There was one remaining bastion of hope for the girl not just trying to have sex in this city.
Two terrifying words: online dating.
Like you, I’d seen the eHarmony commercials. Like you, I’d been largely skeptical of the effectiveness (not to mention safety) of cyber-dating. Like you, I’d watched the happy men and women twirling each other in front of a white background, holding on like they were posing for a goddamn prom picture, gazing into each other’s eyes while they giggled about the very moment they each first read the other’s online profile. Oh! You’re agnostic, too! You’re a sometime vegetarian from Long Beach who smokes occasionally and drinks rarely? Marry me!
Jesus H. Christ, give me the gun. The only thing worse than being alone forever is finding your One and Only via some web portal.
But we all have a breaking point.
Mine was three weeks ago, after yet another boy went completely off the grid. I decided I was ready for something different. No more meeting friends of friends of friends at stupid parties. No more socializing at rooftop barbecues with broke hipster boys whose dinner I’d likely have to buy. No more standing at the bar, too lonely and too sober to attract lecherous could-be boyfriends.
OK, eHarmony, bring it.
Show me your goddamn World of Unexpected Happiness. Grant me access to your treasure trove of perfect matches and fireside chats. Give me hope that my childhood fantasy of love and romance and happily-ever-af-
Oh, wait, you’re going to charge me $30 a month? Well, then, I’ll go find a whole new World of Unexpected Happiness.
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