The following is an excerpt from Justin Halpern’s piece for the Summer, 2012 issue of Cartel, the FlipCollective e-magazine.
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This is gonna be so fucking sweet. It’s like I’m single again! I mean, I’m not gonna cheat on my wife or anything, but I COULD cheat on my wife. Like, I will definitely have the opportunity; I’ll just choose not to. If I was single I would be CRUSHING IT. For sure. These single guys are so lucky.
Alright, this is it, this is gonna be-
Man, it’s really loud in here. Why is it so loud? I mean, I think we can all agree that if they turned it down like 20% everyone would still have a good time. What song is this? It sounds like someone gave Dylan a rolling pin and let him go to town on that Calphalon pan I bought Kristi at Target when the nonstick part stopped working on that oth-
No! We are not thinking about Calphalon pans! We are thinking about CRUSHING IT!
Nice, Pete ordered Jager shots, baby! Boom. Let’s slam these bad boys RIGHT THE FUCK NOW.
Bleecch. Ugh, that was disgusting. And I’m not a pussy. I mean, I can drink. Last week Kristi and I split a bottle of Malbec and we drank the whole thing during back-to-back episodes of Franklin and Bash and I was TOTALLY fine, so, I can hold my liquor no probs. Maybe next time I’ll just order a Manhattan or a Pinot. I mean, alcohol is alcohol, right?
Oh shit, we’re dancing! Siiiiiiick. Ha, “Siiiiiick” should be my catch phrase. Bash would totally say that. Look at all these ladies! Girls definitely did not look like this in my day; these dudes don’t even KNOW how good they have it.
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