The 2012 Olympics are almost over, so it’s time to stop betting on amusing pastimes like water polo and judo and set our degenerate eyes on some real sports like golf and darts.
So, without further ado, let’s take a look at my gambling picks for the week…
LAYT THE POINTS: AUG. 9-16, 2012
Thursday, Aug. 9
GOLF: John Daly to win the PGA Championship (+250)
The PGA Championship is this weekend, and I’m more excited than a bookie cutting off his first toe. I’m particularly excited because John The Human Beer Cart Daly is entering the tournament at 25 to 1 odds. Now, that number is probably so high because he hasn’t won a PGA event since 2004, but I think that just means he’s due. As you can imagine, +250 is one of the higher odds of any golfer in the field. But the way I see it, if Daly wins, then those are the best odds in the field. Look at the cup half-full, gamblers. That’s the only way you’re ever going to win. (Just make sure you confirm that your bookie will call it a push should Daly choke on a chicken wing the morning he is to tee off.)
Friday, Aug. 10
MLS (MAJOR LEAGUE FUTBOL): Houston Dynamo at New York Red Bulls (+105)
The MLS season has been underway since March, and I haven’t lost a soccer wager yet. That’s because I’ve yet to make one. All of that changes Friday, though, because the Houston Dynamo are heading to the Big Apple to take on a team named after an energy drink. The only chance the Red Bulls have of losing this one is if the Dynamo changes its name to the 5-Hour Energys. Besides, New York has more people than Houston, so the Red Bulls probably have better players. If you really want to make things interesting during this game, watch it. (You’ll be a bigger man than I.)
Saturday, Aug. 11
NFL: Tennessee Titans at Seattle Seahawks (Over 34)
Every handicapper in the world will tell you not to bet on preseason football. Notice I said “handicapper” instead of “gambler.” I’m a gambler. I gamble. That’s why I’m taking the Over on this total between the Titans and the Seahawks. This week Seattle signed driveway cruncher Terrell Owens, and that can only mean one thing about the team’s offense: It’s not at all desperate for offense. The same goes for the Titans, who I fully expect to have a starting quarterback picked out by kickoff. One team doesn’t have a QB; the other doesn’t have wide receivers; this has the makings for one of the most unwatchable preseason games in recent memory. Count me in!
DARTS: Alan Tabern to win the PDC World Championship (+200)
For my futures pick of the week, we go to darts — my favorite sport to watch at four o’clock in the morning. Although I haven’t seen Alan in action, I once lost a game of darts to an Alan in the Double Down Salooon on Paradise Road in Vegas. I’m 60-65 percent sure it was the same Alan, and as you know I always take a bet with better than 50/50 odds. My defeat was more than eight years ago, but I’m sure Alan still has some game. That’s why I look for him to surprise everybody with the win in March of next year. I realize that’s a few months away, but you’ll want to hurry and make this bet with your bookie ASAP because all the people who read my picks are going to be placing their bets, and that’ll drive the price way up. If that happens, put your dough on Denis Ovens at 200-to-1. There’s just something about the guy’s name that I feel good about.
For more from Hank…