Olympic fever! We all caught it, even if we mistook the symptoms for something else just as irritating, like a chest cold or mono.
And now, instead of spending countless hours in front of the TV dissecting strange sports that we completely forgot existed in the last four years, we can turn our own mundane activities into a grand celebration of pseudo-athleticism and ultra-specific skill sets.
For example, I’ll be partaking in my annual summer road trip to South Carolina this weekend, and thought to myself that this would be the perfect opportunity to whip up a batch of Olympic spirit in the form of the 5th Annual Road Trip Olympics.
The events, although deceiving in their simplicity, will test the fortitude of every man and woman who dares to compete for the elusive gold.
The medals are awarded in the form of coveted gas station convenience store snacks that correspond to the medal’s color. Feel free to use your imagination, but for the purposes of this guide, the gold medals will be golden, spongy, delicious Twinkies. Silver medals will be a bag of Tastykake powdered donuts. Bronze medals will be a package of butterscotch krimpets because who actually eats those things?
Now, for the events:
Aquatics
Peeing into a Plastic Bottle
Highest Possible Score: 24 for men, 30 for women
Deductions for the Peeing into a Plastic Bottle event will be handed out for each droplet of pee that misses the bottle and hits the seat of the car. A five-point bonus will be awarded for anyone who completely fills up the bottle without overflowing. In the event of overflowing, the Olympian is automatically disqualified from the event and will not be allowed to change seats for the remainder of the trip even if he or she is sitting in a pee puddle.
Speed
Driving in the Right Lane
Score decided by dividing the number of minutes by the number of miles driven
The Driving in the Right Lane event will test the driving efficiency of each driver in the car. Given two hours behind the wheel, the driver will have to remain in the right lane, only using the left lane to pass. Each driver is given a total of 10 passes during the two-hour period. Deduct 0.01 point for each time the driver hits the brake. Deduct 0.4 points for any driver that is pulled over by police. A speeding ticket is an automatic disqualification. At the end of the trip, the driver with the highest miles per minute total will be awarded the gold medal.
Endurance
Long-Distance LMFAO Listening
This event will test the physical and emotional endurance of each and every Olympian. The event will begin with the playing of any LMFAO song, driver’s choice. The song will be repeated on a loop until the first person “taps out” and changes the song. This person is then eliminated, and a new LMFAO song is chosen and played on a continuous loop until another person gives up and changes the song. This process continues until there is only one person left standing. That person will be awarded gold. The second-to-last person is awarded silver, and so on. Anyone who exits the vehicle while it’s in motion in an attempt to escape the music will be automatically disqualified and probably badly disfigured as well.
Seriously, you really shouldn’t jump out of a speeding vehicle no matter how many times you listened to “Party Rock Anthem” in the last hour.
Strength
Filling the Gas Tank in a Bad Neighborhood
Highest Possible Score: 21
In what has been deemed the most controversial event by the International Road Trip Olympic Committee, the Filling the Gas Tank in a Bad Neighborhood event was looked down upon as a “dangerous mockery of the Olympic tradition” for years, but has since redeemed itself with the memorable performance I put on in Richmond, Virginia in 2009.
The object of the event is rather simple — pump your gas without attracting any unwanted attention and without dying. The scoring is as follows: You will be awarded 1 bonus point for every person that says hello to you without you saying hello first. You will be awarded 3 bonus points if the gas station has a convenience store and the cashier of that convenience store is standing behind bulletproof glass, and 5 bonus points for every gunshot you hear. Deduct 1 point for every person that gives you an angry or menacing look. Deduct 3 points for every time you reach down and touch your wallet to make sure it’s still in your pocket. Deduct 10 points for being stabbed, 15 points for being shot at, and 20 points if the violence was gang-related.
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Have fun out there, Olympians, and most importantly, be safe!
Let the Games begin!
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