The following poem was inspired by Rosie O’Donnell’s “my heart attack.”
(Editor’s Note: It will make significantly more sense if you first follow that link.)
my sneeze attack
its a semi-sunny monday
the light bouncing off my flat samsung
no one is sitting next to me
pretty pumped to not have a roommate
last week i had a sneeze attack
here is what happened
on tuesday morning
while rolling around a parking lot in a kayak
i heard a loud commanding voice
kinda like rosie odonnells
“can u help me”
totally not a demand or a request
not really a challenge — not really a plea
i turned and saw an enormous woman (again, like rosie)
struggling to get out of her car
she was stuck
it was funny
“can u help me?” she asked again
as i kayaked toward her
“oh u r rosie odonnell”
no, she said
“my bad”
it’s cool
the ghost of christmas future
rosie odonnell — if i did not wake
there r accidents i thought
as i braced myself and lifted this lady
it was not easy
but together (well, mostly me) we did it
the fat woman was on her way
with gravel in her hair
a few hours later my nose tingled
i had a tickle in my throat
both my eyes were squinting
everything felt sneezy
pollen — i thought
salt or pepper, possibly
i went about my day
the sneezy-ness persisted
i became nauseous
my skin was clammy
i was very very hot
i sneezed
a lot
maybe this is a sneeze attack
i googled womens breasts
i liked many of them
but really? – i thought — naaaa
i wiped my nose with a tissue
thank god
saved by a tv commercial
figuratively
i did not call 911
100% of people having sneeze attacks never call 911
maybe three people die from sneeze attacks
every year in the world
by no miracle i was not one of them
the next day i went to the otolaryngologist
the dr did an XRAY and sent me home
said i just had a sneeze fit
my NASAL PASSAGES were 1% blocked
they call this type of sneeze attack
i am lucky to be here (almost got hit by a car while i was kayaking)
know the symptoms duders
listen to the sneezes inside
the one we all so easily ignore
JUST DON’T WORRY ABOUT CALLING 911
sneeze yourself
xxx
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