Virginity is silly.
It’s silly because people seem to believe that it deserves some special reverence.
Let me take you back to Friday night. We were shit-talking on a rooftop.
Most of the people were familiar. (Boring, in other words.)
But a new clique showed up, featuring a new cute girl. (Not boring, in other words.)
In between the shots, weed, and attempts at overcompensation, the new cute girl, Stephanie, revealed her virginity. She did the whole I don’t really want to tell you, but I’m going to tell you dance that she has mastered over the years to reap as much attention as possible for her disease. And I call it a disease because if you can’t control yourself around a substance, then you abstain; see alcoholism, gambling, porn.
Abstinence stems from a failure. You can’t control yourself around dick, or at least you have been led to believe that you can’t.
Now, normally confessions like that fall to the wayside of my curiosity. But this girl made her confession within earshot of dudes and chicks. Dudes love virgins; for some reason virgins are worth double to them. Chicks love virgins because it’s sweet and “aww, that’s admirable.” Chicks treat virgins like Taylor Swift albums.
The excessive attention paid to the virg annoyed me. There was absolutely no reason for her to be celebrated. I was actually more annoyed with everyone else placing her untapped vag on a pedestal.
So I told everyone that it wasn’t a big deal and that I hated Stephanie for flaunting it. Throwing out the V-card is no different than a girl with large breasts wearing booby shirts to show them off. But the virgin and the buxom are treated substantially differently. I wanted to continue blaming the people I was with, but the more I thought about it the more I blamed God. He has ruined sex.
Virgins are celebrated no matter the theist belief structure. Hell, terrorist Arabs promise 72 virgins to their idiot followers. Which if you ask me is a terrible offer. Who wants 72 virgins? I’d want 72 porn stars and prostitutes. If I’m spending eternity with these women I’d want to enjoy myself and not have to teach 72 people how to be mediocre at sex.
Frankly I don’t mind the celebration if it exists in a vacuum – but it doesn’t. Reverence exists in mechanical equilibrium; lionizing a virgin requires the demonizing of the non-virgin.
And this leads us into the reason the girls were so enamored by the virgin: guilt. If girls who abstain are good then girls who have sex are bad. And this isn’t fair.
And not just for girls – it isn’t fair for me. I don’t want to be around people who feel guilty for doing it. Stephanie’s existence lessened my chance for sex with the rest of the girls at the party. She had them reconsidering decisions and reevaluating belief structures. She was spreading her virgin ideals with complete disregard for my non-virgin ideals.
The night ended with me and the virg exchanging numbers. Not because I want the virgin version of her. I just know that when she does lose the V-card she’s going to be stricken with guilt over years wasted not banging. She may then want to overcompensate for prior bad decisions with more bad decisions. Which may lead to a late-night text to me.
And that’s what I’m going to ask God for tonight – he owes me as much for cock-blocking me on on the rooftop.
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