The writers at FlipCollective will be on hiatus until January, 2013. This is the final piece before the break.
This is it.
My last Flip piece before we all take a brain-refreshing hiatus.
For this final submission, the writer’s paralysis hit hard.
I felt this insatiable need to conclude the season with a mind-bending, world-changing essay. In my pursuit of that, I found myself aborting perfectly good work. Work that, in all likelihood, my readers would probably enjoy—maybe even share. (A piece about my experience in Istanbul with the Boston Celtics, a piece about my fear of foreign tap water, a piece about the beauty of pressing fresh apple cider on a crisp New England morning, etc.)
But, nothing I came up with seemed sufficient. It all seemed too selfish.
This is the season finale. It needs to be sentimental, maybe even corny—the type of thing I’ll look back on with nostalgia, like the last episode of Saved by the Bell.
So, I’m dedicating this to my fellow Flip Collective writers.
Although it seems like I should know all of the other writers intimately, I don’t. In fact, Paul and Matt Shirley are the only two I’ve ever actually met.
However, from reading my peers’ pieces over the weeks, a weird sort of bond has been formed. A bond no different than that of a seventy-year-old widow’s feeling of companionship toward her favorite soap opera star—I’d imagine.
So, I’m going yearbook style on this one. (Has Facebook made those things obsolete yet?).
This is my virtual yearbook signing.
Please, feel free to add comments of your own:
Corby Anderson: Most Gender Ambiguous Name
Hard-Corb! Watup, mang?? I understand that you are a Hunter S. Thompson fan. That’s pretty cool. Bottoms up!
Jenny Bahn: Most Photogenic
I remember you from my first day at Flip. You edited my first piece (about boners). Whoa, was that piece marked up? I was so intimidated, but you turned out to be so chill. I hope your Xanax royalty checks are enough to keep you from ever having to subject yourself to the pain of modeling again. Have a great break!
Luke Bonner: Best All-Around
Dude, you are the man (probably the most prolific writer on the interwebs). Thank you for blessing us all with your genius, your charm, and your good looks. You deserve mad awards and money and stuff. Keep it real!
Riley Breckenridge: Most Musical
Hey man, your band rocks. That’s wicked cool that you know how to play drums. I’ll teach you how to dunk if you teach me how to play “Wipeout” on a snare drum. Deal? Lol. Also, your guide to farting in the shower changed my life! Dater lude.
Kelly Custy: Most Friendly
Whazzzuuuppp??? You’re funny… for a girl! No, but, seriously, you’re funny. I can’t believe that you’re BFFs with my BFF Dan. Small world! Party on.
Tom Dinard: Most Subtle
Hey Tom, I like your style. And your profile is the best. Adios, amigo!
Rosicky Jones: Coolest
RO$ICKY! You are the coolest cat I know. Cooler than a polar bear’s toenails. Cooler than a cooler filled with polar bear toenails (Grody!). Da-yumn, thanks for putting me on to so much dope hip hop. That shit’s da bomb. Don’t break too many hearts over vacation. Alright, I’m outtie 5000! Peaceski-weeski.
Hank Layton: Most Likely to be President
I wish we got to know each other better throughout the year. You seem like a real cool dude. Sometimes you write stuff that is so rad that I consider never attempting to write again. Anyways, have a nice break, dude. Add me as a buddy on AIM. My s/n is StifflerzMOM69.
Katie Levisay: Most Fertile
Hey-hey, MILF lady! Lol. Naaahh, psyche. JK. At first, I was all “who’s this new chick?” Then, I was all “Oh, she’s that lady that loves football and her kids.” (In that order! JK). Good luck with your fantasy football season. A-B-C ya!
Kalie Mashaney: Class Flirt
Yo homegurl, can’t believe you went through with that phone sex operator gig. EPIC! Don’t party too hard over break. Actually, that’s impossible. Live it up! Xoxo
Rob Moreschi: Most Athletic
You’re probably the coolest dude I know from Jersey—other than Bruce Springsteen, Patrick Stickles, and Mike Seaver (but I don’t really know those guys). Actually, I don’t really know you either. But, I feel like I do. We could totally bro-down sometime. Bro jobs for everyone. Have a good break. Holla!
Scott Muska: Class Clown
Scooter! Where to start? So many memories: that time you got a handy from that old Korean lady, the condom run, your Bachelor audition. Classic! Keep in touch over break, bro. Oh yeah, also, your mom’s hot!
Arianna Schioldager: Best Dressed
I didn’t really get to know you that well this year, but your clothes seem super cool. Enjoy Cali over break, let me know if you ever see any celebs. Peace out bean sprout!
Matt Shirley: Most Likely to Succeed
Bro, would it kill you to ever write an essay? JK J. Your graphs and math stuff are the shit. Also, I want a rematch in Settlers of Catan (cheater!). Stay black.
Paul Shirley: Best Hair
My brotha-from-anotha-motha! I had a great time this year. Thanks for putting up with me, you pretentious prick. JK. Keep in touch over break. And good luck with hoops. Don’t forget me when you’re back in the NBA and all big time! Safe travels over break and don’t get SARS or anything. (Wrap it up) PEACE, I’M OUTTA HEEERRREEE!
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