My name is Andy Dolan, and I would like to be accepted for study at your fine institution of higher learning. I will begin this essay by telling you a 100 percent true, relentlessly factual story that illustrates the height of my moral character. One day, I was at the beach, studying conservation techniques for endangered mollusk species, when I pulled a boy from the jaws of a great white shark. Just tugged him right on out of there, teeth be damned. Then he was lying there, stiff on the sand, and I brought him back to life by doing that mouth thing. His family offered a generous reward, but I was like, “Nah, I’m good. A man should work for his living, you know?” The boy went on to discover a cure for meningitis, and later became the world’s first openly gay cure-discoverer. I lost both of my hands in the attack, but I’m actually kind of glad I did, because typing with my stumps makes writing this essay so much more interesting!
Next, I would like to discuss carefully selected portions of my academic record. I received straight A’s throughout my four years at Wilbur Gilton Memorial High School’s physical education program, which is renowned for its intellectual rigor, and for producing some of Barton County’s elite dodgeball players. As part of this program, I instructed several of my male classmates in a hands-on course concerning the emotional effects of locker enclosure on the human species. Additionally, in psychology, I penned what my teacher described as a “thought-provoking” and “vivid” essay on methamphetamine use in teenage populations. I received personal recognition from the principal for this piece of writing!
I performed over 300 hours of volunteer work throughout my time at school, and none of it was court-ordered at all, no sir or ma’am. I took part in a program similar to Adopt-a-Highway, in which I cleaned up after inconsiderate litterbugs who did not treat Mother Earth with the reverence She deserved. While doing so, I volunteered to field-test Armani’s experimental line of orange outerwear. My tireless research helped the company make a fortune with this product in prisons all around the country!
This is the part of the essay where I will mention something that is specific to your school, so you’ll know that I’m not just sending the exact same thing to a bunch of colleges. Your buildings are crazy tall. I think it’s awesome that your library has over a million volumes. Your Quidditch team is so uniquely quirky, and its members definitely have normal sex lives. And those pictures in your brochures, the ones with racially diverse groups of kids reading textbooks in meadows, well, those convinced me that your school is the school for me!
I would now like to tell you about some of my favorite forms of artistic self-expression. My spraypaint-on-brick piece, entitled “Geometric Penis,” was on display at the Woodville CITGO art gallery (of which I am founder) for nearly six months. I also cultivate my hobby of music as the lead vocalist and bassist for the rap-metal band Skarr. Skarr inspires youth with its message of freedom, individuality, and equal rights for the Aryan American minority. Skarr’s most popular track, “Skulls in Your Bagels,” has over 50 plays on SoundCloud and has been broadcast in abandoned buildings citywide!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading my essay, instead of doing the other nerdy things you nerds usually do. Probably Dragons in Dungeons, I’m guessing. I would be honored to wear your school’s colors, whatever they are, alongside the hot girls and fraternity brothers on campus. I understand that the admissions process is competitive, so if you are unable to accept me, at least know that I accept your decision. I already make plenty of money selling alternative medicines anyway, thanks to my interpersonal skills and business acumen!
P.S. If this is a dry campus, please disregard my application and refund my fee.
Dustin Petzold, As Not Seen On TV, can be found on Twitter.