Okay, here goes. I have been hearing about a little place called Heaven for practically my ENTIRE LIFE… how great it is, how hard to get into, etcetera and so on. So you can bet my expectations were high when I finally had the chance to check it out for myself. But now that I have, all I can say is, um, seriously???!!
The first thing I encountered upon leaving my mortal coil and having my soul raptured into the sky, or whatever (I am not really clear on the specifics of Heaven’s entrance policy), was a giant, glowing staircase. And this was kind of a red flag. I mean, it’s HEAVEN, how is there not an elevator??? Like, I didn’t spend my entire life resisting temptation and performing countless acts of selfless charity only to be forced into a workout climbing an endless celestial ladder towards the afterlife. Couldn’t they invest in an escalator or a moving walkway, at least? Although I do have to give props to my man Peter – I’d heard he’s supposed to be really tough, but he let me right past without any hassle, which makes me feel like he’s actually just a figurehead. Seriously though, dude, no ins and outs??!
Décor-wise, Heaven was pretty much what I’d been expecting… which is not necessarily a good thing. I will admit that the angels are pretty hot, especially if you’re into that metrosexual look. But the cherubs???! Talk about outdated. I would go so far as to say that the entire decorating scheme of Heaven needs to be reconsidered. Like, I get that the vibe they’re going for is classic and eternal, but there’s only so much white cloth a person can take before it starts to feel like being at a fundraiser in the Hamptons, minus all the Jews.
Another disappointing thing about Heaven… WHERE are all of the celebrities? Half of the appeal for me was getting to meet like Michael Jackson and James Dean. Or if they didn’t get in, at LEAST Mother Teresa. But the most famous person I have seen in all of Heaven is Michael Sweet from Stryper, and he’s not even dead.
So I asked to speak to the guy in charge, as is my RIGHT as a patron, and was TOTALLY SHUT DOWN. I mean, I get it, he’s busy lording over the known universe, giving out Grammys, and co-piloting Honda Civics… but come on. As I said, entry into Heaven cost me an ENTIRE LIFETIME of avoiding sin, denying my most basic desires day after day, and always always always being the stupid designated driver. For that price, I could have gotten something much better – like say, a FUN AND FULFILLING LIFE.
My advice? Make sure Heaven is really a place you want to go before you commit. Don’t be afraid to do a little research. I bet there are some really informative Yelp reviews for Purgatory and Hell.
Liana Maeby’s first novel, South on Highland, will be out this summer. In the meantime, follow her on Twitter.