Model number: HELP505
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This remote has a “Light” function, which illuminates all the buttons and is useful during late-night hours. This feature would also come in handy if a strange man were holding you captive in a candlelit, windowless room and forcing you to write product manuals for television accessories. This function allows you to change channels easily, or to find the nearest computer and begin your search for a missing woman.
If you are a cable subscriber, you can use this remote to tune to Lifetime, where you might find a program detailing the disappearance of 43-year-old Laura Kauffman, who went missing from her Kingston, NY home over two years ago. The program would probably conclude that Laura’s husband did it, and would point to his affair with a 19-year-old hussy named Madisyn as proof of his guilt. Though the program may be correct in concluding that this woman’s husband was a no-good shitbag infected with Madisyphilis, you should take this opportunity to familiarize yourself with the “Mute” button.
The “Search” function allows you to filter channels and programs by language. With it, you can find programming that would be enjoyed by a man who is Russian, Croatian, or some other Eastern European nationality that you can’t quite be sure about. A man whose English is so poor that you would merely have to throw in some TV-related words to convince him that you were writing legitimate product manuals instead of impassioned pleas for help. Sensor battery screen.
The “History” button allows you to track past searches and viewing choices. If 43-year-old Laura Kauffman of Kingston, NY were to access her history, it might remind her that she had spent many hours watching programs such as “Dirty Concrete Wall,” “How To Craft Makeshift Weapons,” and the Food Network original, “Cat Food Delivered Through A Little Slot.” You can press “Delete” at any time to clear your history, but you can never truly rid yourself of the scars it leaves behind.
The “Display” button allows you to choose from various picture settings for your television. You should feel very fortunate to have this option at your disposal, because some people have no control over what is in front of them. They would give anything to look outside and see a street sign, or a house number, or even just find out how “Breaking Bad” ended.
But the “Sound” menu is just as important. If you adjust your settings just right, you can pick up on little details that you might have missed, were you not as diligent. For example, you might be able to ascertain with reasonable confidence that you were located in West Virginia, that your captor’s name (which can’t be spelled here) sounds like “nickel eye,” and that your next-door neighbor plays either a French horn or a sousaphone.
When using this remote, you will often find that you wish to press the “Exit” or “Rewind” buttons, but that you simply cannot. In fact, you may feel as if your “Pause” button is permanently stuck. You may experience an unquenchable longing for someone to press “Save,” but find that the only button within your reach is “Ceaseless, Soul-Shredding Anguish” (located just below “Parental Controls”).
Thank you for taking the time to acquaint yourself with the plight of your remote. You may reach customer service at any time by dialing 1(800) 911-0911. We welcome any questions, concerns, or hostage negotiators you may have. We would love to hear from you.
But we know you won’t read this, so if you at least make sure to recycle it instead of trashing it, that’s good enough.
Dustin is currently being held captive by Paul Shirley, and is forced to write pieces just like this. On good days, Paul lets him use Twitter