In an alternate universe, you are Hank Layton. In this one, though, Hank is a writer from Kansas City who earned a bachelor's degree in English from the University of Saint Mary and spends too much time on Twitter.

He tries to be funny. Please oblige him.

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Past Work

Here is my review of Comedown Machine, the latest album from The Strokes:   What? ** Here is my track-by-track breakdown of the album: 1. “Tap Out” – What? 2[...]
“Alright, sir, please describe the assailant’s face, and I’ll make a sketch of him.” “First off, it was a woman.” “Oh, OK. What kind of hair did she have?” “A man’s haircut, coinci[...]
    “In America you have a right to be stupid – if you want to be.”     - U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry, February 26, 2013     [...]
The first candy heart rests on her phone: GOOD MORNING, GORGEOUS Another one greets her at the bathroom sink: HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY The next one sits on her dresser: I LOVE YOU She[...]
“Thank you all for attending Puppy Bowl Media Day. This is our ninth year of fur-ious competition, and we’re excited to have you here to cover it. Please turn off all cell phones, [...]
On February 1, the ever-veiny Sylvester Stallone returns to theaters in the police revenge actioner Bullet to the Head. The film doesn’t come out for another two weeks, but moviego[...]
“Police Chief Quits, Leaving Just Dog in the Force.” –Newser headline, Sept. 27, 2012   -“Good evening, ma’am. I’m Officer Turbo. License and registration?” -“Uh, yeah. Here y[...]
The following is an excerpt from Hank Layton’s piece for Cartel III (Fall, 2012), which can be purchased for $2.99 as an Amazon Kindle e-book or as a PDF. *** When it comes t[...]
This week marked the 50th anniversary of James Bond, and MGM is commemorating the event by releasing a special edition DVD and Blu-Ray box set of every 007 film. MGM even updated t[...]
Real-life Batman villain Donald Trump recently said that getting Mitt Romney elected President of the United States is at the top of his bucket list. I don’t usually distribute any[...]
The following poem was inspired by Rosie O’Donnell’s “my heart attack.”     (Editor’s Note: It will make significantly more sense if you first follow that link.) &n[...]
The 2012 Olympics are almost over, so it’s time to stop betting on amusing pastimes like water polo and judo and set our degenerate eyes on some real sports like golf and darts. So[...]